OT - 28 years ago this evening...

Post by **Ysabel Kid** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 12:20 am

...I went to bed just another 16-year old kid. I woke up about 3:00am the morning of 10 February 1981 hearing my mother on the phone crying hysterically. My brother and I were sharing a bedroom at the time, and he woke up as well. It was a school night, and we were both more than half asleep, as we wandered out into the family room to find out what was happening.

I never heard the shot. My Mom rushed to me - I am the oldest - to tell me that my father had just shot himself. I was wide awake instantly, and tore upstairs to find him, already dead, in his bedroom. My brother had stayed downstairs with my Mom, and I now shephered my two youngest slibings downstairs so they would not see what had happend.

The night becomes something of a blur after this. I can remember spending time in the room with my Dad - wondering why. I remember the fire department arriving - and the police - and the EMS - and a priest. Most of all I remember one of my Dad's fellow FBI Agents, and our good family friend, there as fast as any of them. In one horrible night childhood got chucked out the window forever.

My Dad had been dealing with back pain from several ruptured disks, and failed surgeries, that had left him almost crippled. He had to take a medical retirement from the Bureau, and it was killing him. He had become hooked on the pain-killers, and they were no longer working, so he complimented them with a heavy amount of whiskey each evening. I know he loved us all - he told me so every day including that night when I went to bed. I know he would have never done this had he been in a clear state of mind. Between the pain - physical and emotional - and the drugs, he just didn't see a way out.

I think about him every day, more so as this time of year approaches. I miss him so much. On 1 August this year I will have lived as long as he did, the realization of which weighs on me heavier each day as that date approaches. On that terrible morning so long ago I thought my life was over. I had lost the best friend I had in this world. I could never have imagined in my wildest dreams I would have a wonderful wife, son and daughter, a good job, a comfortable living, and all the blessings I enjoy. One of these blessings is all of you, and I thank you all for letting me share a little bit of my life with you each evening.

God Bless.

mescalero1 · Post by **mescalero1** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 12:45 am

email anytime you need to talk.

Rusty · Post by **Rusty** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 1:13 am

I was 15 when my dad died. He drank himself to death and I'm sure he knew what he was doing every inch of the way. Pain is a hard thing to deal with, either physical or emotional.

I had to take a day off of work today myself for back problems. This is only the third day I've ever taken off in the last 10 years at this job. I wonder myself how much a person can endure sometimes.

Good night and God Bless,
Rusty <><

Streetstar · Post by **Streetstar** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 1:13 am

Bless you Kid, i am sure your dad would be proud of you and the life you have made for yourself and family

claybob86 · Post by **claybob86** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 1:22 am

God bless you and your family, YK. I don't know what else to say.

bsaride · Post by **bsaride** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 1:24 am

The thing to do is to feel fortunate.

My parents seperated when I was three, I never knew my father.

I think that all of us have felt the pain of loosing a family member or close friend.
Feel fortunate for having spent the time together you had.

I am constantly thinking of family and friends lost, I don't dwell on the negative
but relive the fond memories, again feel fortunate.

Jaguarundi · Post by **Jaguarundi** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 2:46 am

Godbless

.Think of everyday as a new day with new possiabilities.

gamekeeper · Post by **gamekeeper** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 3:55 am

God bless you Jay.
The sixteen years you had with your father must have helped to make you the fine man you are today. I am sure he would be very proud of how you turned out. I think I can say on behalf of all of us "levergunners" we know you are one of the "good guys".

Pop Watts · Post by **Pop Watts** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 7:20 am

Ysabel Kid, grab your Bible and read Ecclesiastes 7:7. Mine says this - "For mere opression may make a wise one act crazy"
I am sorry that your Dad went through so much that he took his own life.
My Dad died on September 12 Australian time, but almost to the minute one year after 9/11 US time,it was cancer and it was slow, but I was in my late thirties and we all saw it coming for a long while so we were all a little more prepaired for what we knew would happen.
Please remember that our life may end, but that is not the final end of matters. John 5:28,29.
Pop.

Borregos · Post by **Borregos** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 7:21 am

game keeper said it perfectly I think.
God bless.

RIHMFIRE · Post by **RIHMFIRE** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 7:43 am

prayers sent....
Cowboy up....

TedH · Post by **TedH** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 7:46 am

I can't add to what already been said other than I feel for you and God bless you and your family.

Post by **Hobie** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 7:59 am

Can't say I disagree with anything said. It is clear to me, on the board and off, that you must be the kind of father your father would have wanted you to be. He may not have been here as long as you would have liked but in that time he accomplished a lot.

2ndovc · Post by **2ndovc** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 8:05 am

I just can't imagine how awful that must have been.
I'm very sorry.

It's good to see that it didn't let a tradgedy like that keep you down.
It's obvious that you're a great dad and a pretty cool guy!

It always amazes me how tough some people can be. My wife's father ran off when
she was five. Left a wife and four other kids behind and never saw them again.
How she turned out to be such a great girl is totally beyond me.

jason

major · Post by **major** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 8:13 am

I can understand all too well how pain makes one unable to see clearly I have had 2 failed back surgeries in the last 12 months with the dr. talking about a 3rd or 4th...it is very hard to keep focused if it wasn't for me having a 17 month old son myself and wanting to be there for him and show him the fond memories of the great outdoors that I love so much, pain is such a stressful thing to deal with in all forms it takes alot of willpower to not let it overcome every aspect of ones life..........It has been 4 years since I was able to get outdoors and hunt like I used to....but the drive I have to show my son those things is what makes me get up everyday praying for improvement to once again get back to that I love. I want him to grow up with memories of the outdoors that are as close to his heart as those of my past are to me....

god has blessed you with the strenght to make it though such hardtimes........God Bless............it is great to hear of success in life even after such an event.......It makes me want to work that much harder to recover .....THANK YOU for your story.....

iceman · Post by **iceman** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 8:29 am

I am at a loss for words. Everone has voiced what I want to say and probably better. I really enjoy reading about your busy weekends with your children and it brings me back to the time I spent with my son. Enjoy every minute, they grow so quickly. I am sure your father would be very proud of the man you have become and the family you have. God bless you and yours.Iceman.

Tycer · Post by **Tycer** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 8:40 am

Peace to you friend!

BwanaDave · Post by **BwanaDave** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 8:44 am

Almost 40 years ago I went through the same thing only it was my mother and I was 14. The circumstances were a bit different but she too had become addicted to pills for a medical problem the doctors coudn't figure out. They told her it was all in her head and that she was crazy, eventually she was. Like you, so much is a blur. Over the years some has come back and my emotions about it have changed. These days I just feel sorry for her. They say that things that don't kill you make you stronger. That may be true but as we both know it isn't an easy road.

Dave

C. Cash · Post by **C. Cash** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 9:04 am

Amen to all said. God bless Ysabel. You are in my thoughts and prayers brother!

BenT · Post by **BenT** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 9:48 am

I can't even comprehend what kind of night that was.

In 1980 my father had a heart attack and ended up with a triple bypass at the age of 49. I was 16 at the time and the only reason he lived was because he was at the hospital to have hernia surgery. I've though about that a lot this year since his been in and out of the hospital alot. Things would have been different if it went the other way.

From your postings sounds like your living a great family life , so life does work out even when losing your father at that age. God Bless

brucew44guns · Post by **brucew44guns** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 9:59 am

The world is full of examples of kids who totally disrespect their parents, often we hear of cases where punk teenagers simply kill their parents for reasons that are bizarre and could never be warranted in 20 lifetimes. On this forum I read with relishment, how so many of you forumites passionately love your parents, how you care for them in their old age, how many of you men still hunt with your older dads, and speak so well of them. And now---Jay, after many years since your dad's death, you speak of him as if he was in your midst right now, and express your heartfelt loss in his departure. I like that, as I just saw my own dad a few days ago, setting and dieing of cancer, somewhat of a shell of his former self, but still looking to me in many ways as if he could go bear hunting up north, if you get my drift. These men, (like your father, and mine, and like others here) in so many cases, were giants, in a hard world, and they made a difference to those around them. Many of them helped form what we are now, we're chips off the old proverbial block.

Thanks for sharing some of your life, your heart, your inner self. It's why I come here, I need something in life more that a pile of guns. Bruce

Blaine · Post by **Blaine** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 10:09 am

A lot of heat and friction and ya get the diamond you've turned out to be......

Doc Hudson · Post by **Doc Hudson** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 10:17 am

I know that nothing I or any of us could say will relieve the pain and sorrow of your loss. So I will say nothing more than that you have my deepest sympathy and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

God Bless you always, but especially on this day.

Doc

kimwcook · Post by **kimwcook** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 10:24 am

I really can't add anything that hasn't already been said, other than you have my deepest sympathies. I just went through the two year anniversary of my brother doing the same thing and I can tell you it's a deep seated pain that will never completely heal. It does get duller and easier to deal with over the passage of time.

YK, you're a good man and your father would be proud of you. God bless.

Modoc ED · Post by **Modoc ED** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 10:44 am

Sorry to hear that. It must be a heavy cross to bear. I think prayer is the only way out. Take care. Prayers up for you and yours.

Charles · Post by **Charles** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 12:06 pm

These types of anniversary dates are very hard. All of the old feeling come flooding back. YOu have a good grasp on the matter and have processed it well. Keep those memories of your dad polished bright for there will be no more this side of heaven. Best wishes and prayers for you and all of your family on this date.

J Miller · Post by **J Miller** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 12:16 pm

YK,

Thanks for telling the story. I have nothing much to add to what has been said, but sometimes one person telling their story helps the rest of us a bit.

I've lost both my parents so I know that feeling of loss.

Take care.

Joe

alnitak · Post by **alnitak** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 12:26 pm

Jay,

Mere words can't help with the feelings of grief and loss your bear. Know that you are in my prayers. I also agree with the sentiment that others have expressed...your father would be proud of you and the man, and father, you have become. You carry forth his legacy every day, which is the ultimate honor you can give to anyone. Be at peace and know you will see him again one day. God bless.

Bruce

rjohns94 · Post by **rjohns94** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 1:53 pm

My dear friend,

We all gather around this camp fire for as many different reasons as there are cups under the coffee pot. Some come to learn about rifles, to show our new finds, to brag a little among friends on our hunts, or range time. Some come to listen. Some come even to teach. Some meet outside of this forum, for a meal, to exchange items in barter, to fix a tractor or un-jam a rifle bolt. We come to glean from each other the cumulative knowledge and experience of each others life. We pray, we laugh, we share, we argue and discuss. Knowledge flows almost as much as opinions d0. From each walk of life, voices are heard - comfort is given - prayers are lifted up - pain is shared and joy is doubled. We get to know each other as best as we can through our words, deeds, actions, beliefs. Its not the post count, or the number of pictures, or number of leverguns that reveals the character of those here. It is sum total of the experience that each brings to the fire, honest, open and transparent as it is. The raw and uncensored feelings that only time and love can mend are often displayed here. There is a sense of comfort here, of familiarity that allows this type of communication, this sharing.

Your story reaches across the ethernet and strikes a chord deep within my soul. Knowing you, I know your father. As we know our heavenly Father through his Son's love, actions and devotion, sacrifice, we know your father. He is so very proud of you Jay. His imprint and love show through your love of your family, friends and forum members. Your devotion to your family, your work and your love for country, freedom, responsibility all ring true with the imprinting your father had on you. You were loved beyond measure by your earthly father as you even more so are loved by your heavenly father. Your children are growing up, fostered and bathed in your love for them. Your wife knows of your adoration and devotion to her and your children. She gets great comfort in that stability. Your father lives in you, in your actions, in your love. We are all blessed by your honest, open and transparent communications. You have touched my life my friend as you have touched many here, and as you have touched those around you. You are a man among men and I am honored to have your example in my life.

Blessings - Always

JohndeFresno · Post by **JohndeFresno** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 3:27 pm

There is little or nothing that I can add to the above postings, except that I am now praying for "The Kid," Rusty, and others here who are suffering through memories of lost loved ones, aches and pains and "conditions." May God shed His blessings and comfort in a way that only He can.

iceman · Post by **iceman** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 4:31 pm

rjohns94 AMEN. I have already posted on this very important thread, but I feel compelled to echo what rjohn94 has so eloquently(sp) said. I feel personally blessed to have had the honor of sharing all the ups and downs of personal life that is shared here. We have all had our share of ups and downs during our life, but being able to share them with real friend ( which I feel we all are here even though most of us have never met) is a real blessing.

RKrodle · Post by **RKrodle** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 4:49 pm

God Bless you Kid.

salvo · Post by **salvo** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 5:01 pm

I just can not comprehend how tough that was for you and your family back then. Like others have said your Dad would be very proud of you.

mklwhite · Post by **mklwhite** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 5:24 pm

Ysabel, you have my sympathy and my empathy. 29 years ago today I turned the big "double digit" 10. My birthday gift from my father was his 03A3 that he got when he was 10. There was snow on the ground and it was a winter wonderland. We had buried my father two days before. He died on the 6th. He had Hodgkin's disease before there was a real treatment for it. His body was week from having fought it for 3 years after being given 6 months to live. The December before a friend of his had gotten stuck in the snow and, weak as he (and his immune system) was he went out to help him. He got pneumonia. He seemed to be better. On the 6th he got up and fixed my breakfast before school. That was the last time I saw him. I remember so much about that day but so very little about the next six months. I remember what I wore to school that day. I remember my aunt coming and getting me from school. I remember her telling be and I screamed at here calling her a lair. I remember all the cars in the yard. next thing I remember the is the funeral. I am told that the graveyard was filled with his friends. I don't remember. I remember the oak coffin. I remember the snow gently falling that had just started on the drive to the cemetery. The next thing I remember was a on the 9th. I was outside walking in the snow and fell forward. I lie there. Thinking is this what it is like. Cold and quite. I thought of my father and lay there. A part of me is still there. It never gets better. When you loose your father as a child you see a god die. He is strong and big and lifts you up and makes you feel like nothing is beyond him. Then you see that is not true and he is gone. you never know him as a man. You sometimes may run into his old friends and they tell you something about him you wouldn't know and you hate that they knew him better than you ever would get to. You never look him eye to eye. You never will think "you could take him". You never get to come to him for advice when you have a question about kids or marriage or anything. Perhaps you may not even be sure that you quite measure up to his standard. The standard held by the man you have made of your father in your heart. Those losses never leave you. I am taller than he was and I have outlived him by nine years. That boggles my mind. I don't mean to jack your thread. I just want you to know that I understand and I am sorry for your pain. It reaches from your past and makes itself felt in little ways throughout the year. Especially this time of year.

Sixgun · Post by **Sixgun** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 5:40 pm

Kid,
You have a soul, and a mighty good one at that. Mike Johnson really said it good as we are all here for one reason or another. Michael White really explained the pain to a "T". I feel blessed as I had my Dad for 52 and 1/2 years. We were best buddies up to the end---now I have my son to call best buddies. You have your children and a great job you have done raising them as I see the love you have for them in your posts. Keep it alive---nothing is as important as your blood. Life goes on---------------Jack

GEOFF · Post by **GEOFF** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 7:28 pm

Yk,

I have to admit, your story and the responses above sure brought tears to my eyes. I'm glad you remember this day with special regard, I think it's good. I've got a few such days also that I never forget. Not as horrific as yours but severe enough for a seared memory. I always like that Oakridge Boys song, the one that says "I guess it never hurts to hurt sometimes". The experience you went thru and the way you remember it has definitely helped make you into the GREAT man that you are. I always enjoy your posts about your kids, your little girls pink stocks and you and your boy the other day!! You are one fantastic dad!

The great posts above really point out to me the GREAT QUALITY of the men who post here.

Geoff

airedaleman · Post by **airedaleman** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 10:43 pm

Your Dad, you, and your family will be in my prayers from now on... I expect that he is mighty proud of you.

Post by **Ysabel Kid** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 11:24 pm

Thank you very much gentlemen. I can't explain how much your kind words, thoughts and prayers mean to me. I hope to have a chance to meet you all one day, while we are all still trudging through this life, and shake your hands. It would be a great honor for me.

mklwhite - your post made me think of something. My Dad was a horrid pack-rat (which is where I got it from!). He kept everything. After his death we just put a lot of boxes of stuff in the attic - I would not let anyone pitch a thing. When I moved away from home after graduation, my Mom packed up the remainder of the kids and moved down south (she was always the smart one!). She called me to say that if I wanted the "junk" - and most of it was - I needed to come get it. I did. Years later, going through some of the boxes, I hit the "Holy Grail" I had hoped I'd find. I found a diary my father kept. I didn't know one existed - but he was a prolific writer (okay, seeing a pattern here?), so I had hoped.

The most interesting thing was that he started it as a young man when his father was diagnosed with cancer. He commented on that situation, and the events of the day. At first the writings were almost daily. Later - some 15 years - they would be a year apart at times. I read them when I was older than he was when he wrote them (the first entries), and read as he transistioned to my age, then beyond. It gave me a glimpse of the man I never knew - as a man.

Like so many things in my life, I took a cue from my Dad and began writing in a diary myself. Something else he did for me, when I was less than a year old, was write me a letter, and put it in the safety deposit box to be opened on my 18th birthday. I honored that wish and waited the year and a half after he died before reading it. It was a message of love across the years from one young man to another. So, in my diary/jounrals, all of my entries are letter to my children. I mostly write them when I am on a plane - which is often. I do the same thing - talk about them and our family, and the events of the day. I am actually on my third journal now - but find that as life gets busier, my entries get fewer. Still, I look forward to giving them these one day - I just hope to do so in person!

God Bless you all!

Bogie35 · Post by **Bogie35** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 11:29 pm

Man, YK. God bless you. This explains it. "It" being the wonderfully meek Christian man you are. Candidly speaking, I "lost it" as I read your post. In my ministry, I see lots of tragedy. But, I also see lots of people overcome their tragedies. Now, thanks to you, I have just heard of yet another miracle. When people experience enormous hurt and deal with it correctly, they end up just like you; an amazing inspiration to all.

I believe you will see your father again. And as you gaze into his eyes, you will notice Jesus looking over your dad's shoulder and hear Him whisper to you, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

Matthew 25:34-36
"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'"

Thank you for blessing me,
bogie

GEOFF · Post by **GEOFF** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 11:38 pm

YK,

I know what you mean about a diary.

My dad was a combat medic with the 3rd Infantry Division. When he was on the Anzio beach head after 2 months of incredible combat, in March 1944 he found in an Italian farmhouse a 1937 Italian diary. He turned it into a 1944 diary. It was small enough to carry and he entered daily entries until 1 Jan 1945 when he got an official US Army diary. But the small one from Anzio is the one I love the most. It was probably in every foxhole with him. What a glimpse into the life he led!!

Like you, I never found this diary until after my dad died. WHAT A FIND!!! I keep both diaries with my most precious souvineers of dad's from the war.

Geoff

stuffy · Post by **stuffy** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 2:28 pm

It took me a while to get me own emotions in check and post this (the anniversary of my dads death is tomorrow) But you have all my heartfelt sympathy and prayers for your loss. Remember that time can't diminsh his love for you or yours for him.

AJMD429 · Post by **AJMD429** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 9:28 pm

game keeper wrote:God bless you Jay.
The sixteen years you had with your father must have helped to make you the fine man you are today. I am sure he would be very proud of how you turned out. I think I can say on behalf of all of us "levergunners" we know you are one of the "good guys".

+1. As a physician, men and women share with me life events that sometimes shake me deeply, and I've realized just how resilient people are, and that unfortunately, most of the time it takes some really BAD things to mould a strong person. I occasionally put a band-aid on some of the physical results of those events, but the psychological after-effects of family suicides, accidents, rapes, and so on really do prove the "that which doesn't kill me will serve to make me stronger" concept. As the son of a suicidal parent, you surely second-guessed your every action and response, and dealt with alot of "what-if's" - but they likely helped you be more of a deep thinker and more compassionate as an adult, and I'm sure you realized he alone could take responsibility for what he ultimately decided to do. Perhaps without a decent family he'd have not even made it that long, so never second-guess yourself.

Something else he did for me, when I was less than a year old, was write me a letter, and put it in the safety deposit box to be opened on my 18th birthday. I honored that wish and waited the year and a half after he died before reading it. It was a message of love across the years from one young man to another.

We should all do that. Good idea! What foresight he had.

When I was four years old, I watched my dad have a fatal heart attack, so I know some of the angst, but surely not all.

20cows · Post by **20cows** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 11:27 pm

YK, I don't know what to say that hasn't been already. I am sorry for not catching this thread earlier.

Your father did well with you and it seems you are doing well with yours.

Keep the faith.

shdwlkr · Post by **shdwlkr** » Fri Feb 13, 2009 5:29 pm

Kid I never lost my dad or mom until just a few years ago dad was 93 and mom was 87 good long lives for each.
My first wife was murdered in 1981, my best friend died in 1990 and I have seen many a vet who wanted to get out of this life.
the loss of someone close scares us for life but with some luck we have many good memories to carry us through this life and one day we will again be with those who we have lost and can catch up on all that was missed.
I deal with pain all the time from my broken back, shattered knees, broken ankle and arthritis but waking up each day is still the best part of the day so I guess I will stick around for awhile to see what happens next. I can understand your dad feeling that he was at the end of his rope and he needed to do something to end the pain. For me I still have a few good days mostly in the summer when the humidity is way low and the sun is out to bake my bones. That is one reason I live in the desert and put up with things the way they are. I am an old grump and I accept that but with luck I will make it to 100 and getting around much as I do now and driving everyone around me nuts much as I do now sometimes and along the way maybe even a few laughs at my expense can be had.

JReed · Post by **JReed** » Fri Feb 13, 2009 7:20 pm

Sorry to hear this Brother. I cannt know what you have gone thru since I have never been there myself But we are hear for ya.

hfcable · Post by **hfcable** » Fri Feb 13, 2009 11:04 pm

nothing i can say, it leaves me speechless. i am so happy you are so blessed now, and i suspect that you are very strong in all ways, and in part because you had to become the man of the house instantly. i can only say i am proud to know you, and deeply happy that your life is so good.

Post by **AmBraCol** » Sat Feb 14, 2009 6:08 pm

Jay, my friend, I've been busy for ages, haven't had much forum time and just now saw this. Thanks for sharing that. I lost my own dad to cancer after I was grown up, out of the house and had kids of my own. I can't imagine what you went through, although I've helped some folks cope with similar situations. And the feedback on this thread is incredible too. Thanks for being part of our community. Thanks for sharing this with us.

deerwhacker444 · Post by **deerwhacker444** » Sat Feb 14, 2009 9:49 pm

I'm at a loss for words. I can't imagine how awful that would have been. Pain can be difficult to deal with if it never ends. I'm sure your father would have been proud of the way you turned out. Even though we've never met, I can tell by your posts that you're a good man. I'm sure your father was too.

I just wish he would have taught you how to take a photo without getting your feet in the shot.!

God Bless