OT - Caring for an elderly parent

[Bullard4075]

I heard it said that when asking the Lord for patience he gives you not patience but puts you
in a situation to learn patience.
I'm in such a situation.
Wife's 88 year old mother is now living with us.
Weak knees (and most everything else) means the bathroom, bedroom and recliner in the
living room is her world.
A wheeled walker at the top of the 5 steps and a wheeled walker at the bottom is now a
household fixture.
Dinner is now a pleading/cajoling exercise not unlike getting a 2 year old to eat ......anything.
A trip to Wally World is what used to be a out of town trip was.
Out of town trip....out of the question.
A change of ANYTHING brings on stomach cramps and loose bowels from basically ...anxiety....we think.
Numerous doctor visits,stomach tests,etc reveal nothing else.
I do everything I can in my power to make it easier for my wife who is of course now mom's
stay at home caretaker.
What is worse is that I think mom has largely given up.
Every time I see her sleeping or slumped over in the recliner I look to see if she is still breathing........and I
feel like hell for doing it.
Not a happy time in my life.
My wife and I's 32 year marriage has never been stronger though.
Maybe that is part of the equation.

Not looking for any answers I suppose, just venting to my friends.

Post Script: After an evening and lay awake early morning reflection on my post I realize it is way too
woe-is-me and that was not my intent.....ok, maybe a little.
More though I am vexed by God's plan that a once vibrant,vivacious lady be reduced to cat naps, endless
nibbling at tasteless meals and lack of desire to interact with the smallest things with a family that
deeply loves her. The wife takes so much more of the impact than I. I get to go to work every day while
she is the one who gets to see her mother drain away little by little, bit by bit. Others I know have
much more and deeper problems, health and otherwise, than I but it is at times far too easy for me to
dwell on mine.
Maybe that is the lesson.
Could it be that simple?

[shooter]

It's tough. I took care of my 94 year old great grandmother for a time. Her dementia was so bad that she couldn't remember who I was half the time, and she helped raise me. She finally had to move in with her daughter (my grandmother), where she lived out the last 4 years of her life. We all learned that diet plays a large part in mental clarity and mood, at least it did for her. She used a walker, as she fell and broke her hip. We took turns taking care of her to give my grandparents a break, and she finally passed 4 years later at the age of 98. It's not an easy thing, and no matter how much you love the person, it's hard to keep your patience all the time. Funny thing, though, no matter how irritated i got or how frustrated, after she was gone I sure did wish she wasn't. Sorry for your hard time, my prayers are with y'all

[J35]

Good for you and your wife.

I was in your wife's shoes for seven years with my dad .

Quite the lifestyle change for me.

I am thankful I was able to do it.

Hang in there-----J

[firefuzz]

Brother, you are a special kind of person. I have no word to describe my admiration for both you and your wife. May God Bless your household.

Rob

[7.62 Precision]

My wife's parents have been caring for a man for years now. He was one of my father-in-law's professors in college, was a veteran of the war in the Aleutians and then fought in Europe in WWII. Shrapnel wounds left him unable to father children, so he had no family left after his wife died many years ago.

In the last years he has been increasingly difficult to care for, as he basically did not have anything really wrong with him physically, but began assuming he did, confining himself to a wheelchair while he could still walk, etc. He just recently died. He was spending more money than they realized and left them responsible for over ten thousand dollars of credit card debt.

And yet this is a man who would have been confined to some "home" somewhere for at least the last ten years, without family or friends. Instead, he was able to live his last years in a real home with people who cared about him. My father-in-law gave him small tasks like writing college courses that gave him a sense of accomplishment.

He looked forward to our visits and his entire wall was plastered with photos of my children, as was his computer screen saver.


What you are doing now is not easy. It requires incredible commitment and limits your freedom. The time may come that you cannot do it on your own any more. But right now, you are making a big difference in someones quality of life. It is a great thing you are doing, and well worth the difficulties.

[Rusty]

Being a caregiver is a hard job. Many times when an elderly spouse caregiver suffers health problems as bad as the person they are taking care of. You might try and find some social services in your area that can help you with elder care. Some have programs that will offer a short term sitter so you and your wife can get out together for a few hours. Sometimes a little breather can be a big help.

[madman4570]

This is the time you have to really suck it up and simply "put up with it"
Why? Because it is your mother of your wife(which you dearly love)and you do not stop until "your wife" tells you it is now too much.
Possibly that will not happen and your MIL will pass at your home before that?

At least you get a break. Imagine your wife?
You quit when she quits. It is that simple.
By you taking care helping your wife during this tough time your wife will later on and reflect on how you loved her so much that you "sacrificed" that much. It will be worth 100% of every thing you go through and also your MIL knows you are sacrificing and will think you as a true son.

That phrase "just do it" applies to you more than ever.
You quit when your wife quits, and probably she won't quit.
One big thing, if your MIL gets to points where she needs lets say to go into a rehab facility for whatever "temporarily" not permanent be on the same page as wife assuring MIL once the rehab is complete her place with you guys will be waiting for her.
Many of the older people are afraid to try rehab cause they think the siblings are tossing them to the curb after and they do not try something that actually might aid in their quality of life whats left.

Its tough, but sounds like venting here and not there is great. You do it when you need to. We will listen and offer our prayers.
Bottom line----Good on you for being a man having your wife's and MIL's back. Well done. feel good about yourself and your wife cause it sounds like she is a fine woman.

ps---One last piece of advice. Where many times if other siblings involved(your wife's)I have seen too many times they try pulling stuff going against things you guys have going on.
Example: The doctor recommends MIL to try rehab two weeks staying at rehab center for arthritis of shoulder/arm and the siblings say "mom don't want to go, do ya mom?"
Since they are NOT taking care of mom, DO NOT let them have much say what you two and mom decide.
Tell them off to the side" you want to try taking mom starting today" ?? No? then shut up and back off get the heck out of our house.
You might need saying that cause your wife will be too nice.
They will be the ones you will need to be hardcore with because your wife will be in a compromised position being sidetracked taking care of mom. You guys might hear a sibling whining "what would mom want" you tell them since they are not taking care of her-----shut up or go home.

[Griff]

I grew up in a house that included my step-dad's Mom. She was born in 1881 and moved in with us in the late 1950s. She was in her mid-70s, and lived until 1969, passing just after Neil Armstrong's moon walk. I count my blessings for having known and loved this lady. She fell and broke her hip in 1967, and was hospitalized for several weeks, contracting first shingles, then tuberculosis. After a year in near isolation, she was a changed person... But, occasionally would break thru that shell and become the same vivacious lady that could tell stories for hours, and pick a guitar with precision and make it talk. (She used to frustrate the heck out of my Dad, because she could understand Jimi Hendrix's talent, and often expressed her appreciation of his music, even if a little too loud... as well as Santana)! I miss her!

She married my step-dad's Father after his first wife died the day after giving birth to his 6th child... then had 3 of her own, (Dad being the youngest)... I think of what she endured... the wife of a share-cropper thru the Depression, seein' her two youngest off to WWII, and living thru the deaths of 5 of her step-children, one of her own, and never once giving up... No, the "Greatest Generation" wasn't the WWI vets... it was those that raised them!

[Bill in Oregon]

God bless you Bullard. I watched my father care for my mother for 12 long years of Alzheimers before their mutual burden was lifted. Truly, it takes the patience of Job.

[Blaine]

It takes a special person. God bless.

[GonnePhishin]

Bullard4075: I totally empathize with your situation. 12 years ago my wife suggested that my Dad come and live with us which he did for 8 years before I had to have him go to a nursing home (I couldn't take care of him any longer).

Your wife should quit trying to get her mom to eat regular meals but offer instead her favorite snacks and 'finger food's'.
If she just wants to eat some cookies or some other favorite snack, just let her. People generally lose their appetite as they come closer to the end of their journey. Have you and your wife thought about having a local Hospice come and evaluate your mother-in-law?
Anyhow, God's blessings on the both of you:)

[Tycer]

I agree with the guys who suggest getting outside help. What you are doing is fantastic! There are people are trained to help. I also agree on feeding. If mom thinks it's time to go, let her.

[pdentrem]

You have described the last 6 months of my mother time here.
She passed in December. Started 5-6 yrs ago with Parkinson's and the last year was the beginning of dementia. Dad and I were her care takers with some help in the mornings and evenings from a PSW - Personal Support Worker. We were able to maintain her at home until the last 2 weeks. The last couple of months was a real challenge, and Dad was about burned out. I was right behind him.
He was ready to more her into 24 hr care but that decision was not required and I believe that was very good for both he and her. He would have been torn about it and Mom would be more isolated even if we were there every day.
What you and your wife have to remember, that you to take care of yourselves. Stress in this case is 24 / 7 and it will burn you out and even do worst. Both Dad and myself were relieved when she passed. Not being without feelings, but the strain was enormous.
I feel for all of you. I pray that you have a smoother path than most as the trail is very rough.
Pierre