The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was an A-10 pilot in Desert Storm and his plane was hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it would not break and then his parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
He shot fifteen of them with the gun until he ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then he killed the last Iraqi with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?
"Stay the hell away from Uncle Bob when he's been drinking!
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Then there's the story about the RAF pilot calling for a priority landing, because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded Seven-Engine Approach."
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A young guy in an F-16 fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying barrel rolls around the lumbering old bomber.
The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid."
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How can you tell when your half way through a date with a pilot?
It's usually when they say "That's enough about flying, let's talk about me now"
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You may be a redneck pilot if...
* Your stall warning plays Dixie.
* You get your pre-flight briefing from the Psychic Hotline.
* Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as checkpoints.
* You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.
* You've ever used moonshine as Avgas.
* You have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
* Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
* You've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.
* You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman Yankee.
* You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock.
* The side of your airplane has a sign advertising your septic tank service.
* Your aircraft has a hitch.
* You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
* You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight.
* You refer to formation flying as "we got us a convoy".
* You're matched set of luggage is three grocery bags from Piggly Wiggly.
* You've ever fueled your airplane from a mason jar.
* You've got a gun rack on the passenger window.
* You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together.
* Your preflight includes removing all of the clover, grass, and wheat from your landing gear.
* You figure the weight of the mud and manure on your airplane into the CG calculations.
* You siphon gas from your tractor to put in your airplane.
* You've never landed at an actual airport though you've been flying for years.
* You've ground looped after hitting a cow.
* You consider anything over 100' AGL to be high altitude flight.
* There are parts of your airplane labeled John Deere.
* You've never actually seen a sectional but have all of the Texaco road maps for your flying area.
* There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco stains on the left.
* You have to buzz the strip to chase off the sheep and goats.
* You use your parachute to cover your plane.
* You've ever landed on the main street of town to get a cup of coffee.
* The tread pattern, if any, on your main tires doesn't match.
* Your primary comm. radio has 90 channels.
* Your comm antenna is over 7 feet long.
* You call up the tower with "Breaker Breaker"
* You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.
* You put hay in the baggage compartment so your dogs don't get cold.
* You use you landing light for hunting.
* Your flight instructor's day job is at the community sales barn.
* You've got matching bumper stickers on the vertical fin.
* There are grass stains on your propeller tips.
* The FAA still thinks you live at your parents' house.
* Your hangar collapses and more than 4 dogs are injured.
* When starting the prop you injure five dogs.
* Somewhere on your airplane is an "I'd rather be fishing" bumper sticker.
* You navigate with your ADF tuned to exclusively country stations.
* When you go to the airport cafe they hand you biscuits and gravy instead of a menu.
* You think that an ultralight is a new sissy beer from Budweiser.
* You siphon Jet-A out of your King Air for your space heater.
* Just before the crash, everybody at the airport heard you say, "Hey, Y'all watch this!!"