Mohamet and the mountain......

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Mohamet and the mountain......

Post by Ray »

Mahomet made the people believe that he would call a hill to him, and from the top of it offer up his prayers for the observers of his law. The people assembled: Mahomet called the hill to come to him again and again; and when the hill stood still, he was never a whit abashed, but said, "If the hill will not come to Mahomet, Mahomet will go to the hill." Sir Francis Bacon.....

Uncle Elbert lived on a knob or knoll or bluff above daley street in the former textile mill baron's mansion. At one time, in a more affluent era the home's entrance came off of daley street where there was a gate and lodge house and lodge keeper but that part of the property had long since been subdivided leaving only a parking place between two current homes and a narrow right-of way of bricked steps and landings up the terraced hill to the much neglected, once elaborate front garden. The proper entrance now lay behind the old mansion, the long way around via hughes, foskett, mccoy, haines, and finally the haines backalley. Back down at the old entrance there was still a disused mailbox though the current mailbox was now behind on haines.

Whenever uncle elbert was holding court, that is to say, in the mood for receiving callers he would drive around to the old entrance and put up the flag on the mailbox thus signaling that he was home and more properly attired than his normal pyjamas and bunny slippers. The strangest people would come to visit for, ostensibly, the oddest reasons, seeking elbert's advice. He had somehow become known to superstitious folk as an augur or oracle of sorts. When these pilgrims came seeking wisdom, they would invariably park at the foot of the hill and climb those hundred steps instead of driving right up to the back door. A penitent rite of passage if you will in the hopes of catching the great man dozing on his front porch.

So it was such a day as this when Pill and me parked on daley and made the long climb. Of late, Pill had been more moody and morose than normal if that is even possible. I could tell by his demeanor and smell that he had been pulling a cork and popping tops, hence my presence. I was the designated driver and an arm to lean-on on the climb up the hill.

I won't foolish about and waste your time with quotation marked dialog. Cut to the chase, Pill had an enormous, wild tom cat that had took up residence on his place and it was an absolute menace. It had killed all of the other native cats and had chased off all of the dogs as well. Pill wanted to shoot it but his daughter had plead for its life. What would uncle elbert, himself do in this case ?

Now I had seen the beast with my own eyes. It had to be the biggest domestic cat ever. It was spotted and mottled in a color that suggested part bobcat or lynx ancestry but it had a long tail. It wasn't just an overfed, forever napping in a beam of sunlight feline. There were muscles rippling under that layer of blubber. This was some two and half stone of mean, dangerous animal that knew no fear of man or other beast. But alas it loved Pill's daughter michelle and michelle loved it. What would uncle elbert advise to save the beasts life ? As drastic and violent as it seems, castration was the only answer !

Pill inquired just how uncle uncle elbert would himself go about the surgery sans anesthesia and industrial grade restraints. Stuffing the beast head first into a rubber gallosh, pinning its forelegs and leaving the sac vulnerable and accessible was elbert's answer.

So along came the evening of the local sportsman's society fried oyster dinner and Pill was slated to deliver a lecture on "snag fishing the tailrace of the weiss dam powerhouse" Pill did not show and we had to show an old bill dance vhs instead.

After the oyster dinner I called Pill's place only to find out that he was in the hospital. Visiting hours were long over so I went to see him the next day. Poor fellow was splinted and plastered and bandaged and harnessed in traction, only one eye showing and nostril holes and a mouth slit. All he could do was whisper and you had to put an ear to his mouth slit to even hear him. Monstrito Gato was all he kept gasping-out over and over.

In fullness of time Pill was released into my custody and he insisted that we go to see uncle elbert. He wouldn't take no for an answer and we had to park and climb the hill in the time honored tradition. It took about an hour what with rest breaks at every other step landing but we made it. Uncle Elbert listed patiently to Pill's plight while Pill glared at him out of the one eye showing then asked :

"Did you stuff the beast's head and forepaws firmly into the gallosh ?"

"Yes sir !"

"Did you have some strong person grasp the hind paws securely ?"

"Yes sir !"

"Did you grasp the beast's tail with your left hand ?"

"Yes sir !"

"Did you have the razor pinched firmly between right thumb and forefinger ?"

"Yes sir !"

"Then you must have done something wrong. You always were ham-handed !"

Pill lost all semblance of self-control and called his uncle names that I will not repeat here or anywhere.

When Pill was finally through profanely excoriating and breathless, Elbert sheepishly inquired :

"Just what size gallosh did you use anyway ?"
m.A.g.a. !
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Re: Mohamet and the mountain......

Post by Bronco »

I hope you have a lot of these! I am starting to get addicted to reading , visualizing and spending a few minutes with a good tale.

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Re: Mohamet and the mountain......

Post by JimT »

My kids had a tomcat that hung around the place and I worked on it myself.
I took a burlap sack and cut one corner off, leaving a hole approximately 2" in diameter.
I lured the tom in, got him and stuffed him in the burlap sack, pulling his tail through the hole.
Then I rolled him up so he quit fighting and used my knife to operate.
I did not know a cat holds about 2 gallons of water but I did find out! Man, I wished I had not done the operation on top of the chest freezer on the back porch!
Once the operation was finished I unrolled the sack and opened it so the cat could get out.
Instead of departing in rapid fashion, that essobee hung around long enough to bite me several times!
Then he took off.
He stayed around the place though and was much more docile after that.
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Re: Mohamet and the mountain......

Post by piller »

My Uncle Homer was given a pure white German Shepherd which had brown eyes. That puppy, Snowball, grew up and just hated cats. There used to be a few cats around to hunt mice and keep the mice out of the granary. Snowball killed all the cats except for one large tomcat. After losing a few fights with that tomcat, he learned. Snowball would see the cat and go charging at it just barking as if he meant for it to be a deathmatch. About 20 feet away, that tomcat would turn straight at him, and Snowball would drop his butt to the ground and slide to a stop while still barking. It was obvious that the big tomcat was the winner in their previous fights.
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Re: Mohamet and the mountain......

Post by Larkbill »

My Grandmother had a miniature Dachshund who was death on any critter that violated his territory. Sadly his stubby little legs gave the advantage to the vast majority of violators. But one day a particularly aggressive feral tom decided to turn and make a stand. Big mistake. Hansi charged straight in and got the tom by the throat. A rolling, squalling battle resulted in a bloody but victorious Hansi. The cat weight at least half again more than the feisty little dog but even living wild hadn't given him the heart.
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Re: Mohamet and the mountain......

Post by Blaine »

On my childhood paper route, one place had two Siamese cats...They would hear me in the driveway, and guard the porch.
Yes, I was scared to knock on the door to collect the bill. :shock:
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