OT - Need advice on aging parents.

Tycer · Post by **Tycer** » Wed May 21, 2008 6:02 am

Sunday, Nancy and I got a phone call from the Kerrville, TX police.
We needed to go get Nancy's parents. Last week they sold their house in SC and tried to move to Kerrville. Their son took a flight from Austin to SC and drove them to Austin and they got a driver to drive their car the rest of the way.

We are driving them back to SC. The mornings are pretty lucid, but Nancy's dad will re-ask a question several times - his short term memory is seconds long. By evening he is in another world and does not know us. I'm sure the stress and long travel times exacerbate this. He will not drink enough water. Nancy's mom is not physically able to control him and by evening, she's mentally like his mornings.

They want to go to check out an assisted living facility this weekend, and hopefully that is the correct place for them. It may not be. It may not be available for several weeks if it is.

We are afraid to leave them by themselves four hours from where we live. We're afraid her dad can't drive and her mom can't. We want to let them make their own decisions on how to live, but we're not sure they can make the right ones. Dad can't, and mom can't in the evenings.

Nancy and I are new to this and need suggestions. We need to figure this out and have the plan in motion by Sunday.

Thanks y'all.

Post by **Hobie** » Wed May 21, 2008 7:03 am

Tycer and Nancy,

Look for my e-mail. Prayers have been and will be said for you both...

Rexster · Post by **Rexster** » Wed May 21, 2008 7:40 am

You have my empathy and prayers. We are about to the point of having to put my father-in-law in some kind of assisted living situation, I believe, though his decline seems to have plateaued a bit for now. I can only hope the plateau lasts a while longer. Dehydration is certainly a factor; everyone loses mental capacity if we don't drink enough water, and once dehydrated, it takes several days to get really right again.

Elkhunter1 · Post by **Elkhunter1** » Wed May 21, 2008 7:43 am

Age is the great deciever. It comes with the promise of the wisdom of the ages but often falls well short of that.
Your struggle is not unique, in fact we all must one day share in your plight. My own father is 84, a veteran of the great depression, WWII, and the coming of the age where the United States reigned supreme across all the land. Dad's comfort space continues to shrink each year, and soon I know it may be just the space within his mind in which hfeels safe.
Answers, don't have em. Advice, sure, but in reality it's thoughts and prayers. The fact you recognize and seek advice means you care and that is trully the greatest you can gift you can offer. Trully care as we gude these great ones to their place of rest.

RSY · Post by **RSY** » Wed May 21, 2008 9:26 am

I've gone into periodic lurking mode around here, but I definitely wanted to sign on and tell you y'all are in my thoughts and prayers. It surely is a tough row to hoe.

I have had grandparents that went down the same path, and you definitely have to have them looked after. Some people, like my wife, want to do it all themselves, which is commendable. But, it completely saps your life when such is undertaken, in my opinion. I, personally, know I wouldn't want my kids to have to do that for me.

The greatest takeaway may be a life lesson, of sorts. Now, from what I can tell from the forum here, and what I have heard about you from Hagler, you likely already have this angle taken care of. But, I would strongly encourage everyone to purchase a long-term care insurance policy. It really is one of the greatest gifts you can give your kids. Especially in these economic times, most people's kids will not be better off than their parents and probably won't have the financial means to take care of their folks. That's just the cold, hard facts.

All the best, and God bless.

Scott

Modoc ED · Post by **Modoc ED** » Wed May 21, 2008 10:23 am

I've sent you a PM Tycer.

You and your family are in my prayers.

Gun Smith · Post by **Gun Smith** » Wed May 21, 2008 10:48 am

Having put my parents in a facility of this sort, here's what I can tell you.
First, there are several levels of care in these places. When you say "assisted living" that means direct supervised care part of each day. Ie. dressing help, food service , etc. "Retirement living" means they live in the facility and mostly take care of themselves. Of course, "nursing" means full time 24 hour care. My brother and I put our folks in a facility at the "retirement" level of care. They made some of their own meals and went to the open dining room for dinner. Over the 18 month stay they gradually went into the more assisted level. They both passed away within 12 days of each other. The cost is significant at the upper levels, and is several thousand dollars a month for each person even at the basic "retirement" level. Something my mother-in-law did was to elect to stay home and have a caregiver attend to her needs away from a facility. This was easier for her as she still had her surrondings she shared with her husband for 60 years. He had passed away ten years earlier. When she passed away my wife and brother-in-law then sold the home to partially recover the final costs of her care. When you consider the placement of older people in homes be SURE to visit SEVERAL before choosing one. The quality of care can vary dramatically from one to another. Ask people in the homes how they like their home, not just an administrator (salesman) there.

rjohns94 · Post by **rjohns94** » Wed May 21, 2008 10:59 am

I think I will soon be facing the very same things with my parents. I convinced them to move close to me and I spend a couple nights a week with them and helping them. I know I will be doing this more and more, sooner rather than later. I am considering changing my job to have less travel so that I can be with them more. I send you my prayers my friend. I don't have answers but it sounds like your heart is in the right place. I will have this on the long term prayer list as I do others here who I know are dealing with this issue.

blessings

Hagler · Post by **Hagler** » Wed May 21, 2008 11:00 am

Tycer,

I feel for you. That is a tough spot to be in, but, sometimes, life goes that way.

I have not had to put anyone in a home, but I have some knowledge of the topic. My last surviving grandmother, who is 86, lives in an assisted living home, and appears to be happy. She cannot reliably stand & walk anymore, so she needs to have help close-by. My step-father's sister had heart surgery, a few weeks ago. She is now living in a rehabilitation facility, until she can get around better. Carla's grandmother has Alzheimer's disease. She has been through the gammut of care techniques. Finally, her children decided that she was too much to handle, and she now lives in a constant-care facilty, with constant supervision. Alzheimer's is terrible, because there is no rhyme & reason to anything that the affected person does. That is the most worrisome aspect of the disease.

Tycer, as has been discussed in some of the circles that I have been in over the years, the Christian thing to do is to take care of your parents. The need for constant supervision may dictate that you have to find a home, nearby, that provides round-the-clock vigilance. Personal, continued involvement in the lives of your relatives can be a burden to you, but it makes a huge difference in the quality of their last days. Research your options, and research all of the facilities that you want use, before you chose one.

You and Nancy, and your families are always in our prayers.

Shawn

1894 · Post by **1894** » Wed May 21, 2008 11:44 am

Not much I can add here Tycer , mayby reiterate that the 3 step facility can keep them in familliar suroundings and people for what ever time they each have left. Never an easy choice .

The main reason I'm posting , is to let you and Nancy know that her parents are in our prayers , and also prayers for strength , courage and the wisdom to make the right choices are also being sent for all .

mescalero1 · Post by **mescalero1** » Wed May 21, 2008 12:23 pm

I am lucky here,
My mother has a caregiver that checks on her everyday and assists her.
I am retiring, ( have the date ) and moving back to be near her , but not in her way.
It is only a question of time.
Do not distress yourself with imaginings, many fears are born of lonliness and fatigue

Old Ironsights · Post by **Old Ironsights** » Wed May 21, 2008 1:04 pm

Wait until your income is dependent on the failing memory of an aging parent trying to run a business...

Somehow I've got to be able to afford Law School fall 2009...

bogus bill · Post by **bogus bill** » Wed May 21, 2008 1:55 pm

I went through it big time with my dad. My mother died 10 years prior to him. He lived in wisconsin and I in california. I had just retired in 2000 and he was getting hit with alzheimers. He had just had his drivers license revoked. I went home and lived with him in the boonies. Normaly he was a very neat man, but things had slipped and he was liveing in squaller. I cleaned up the place and daily told him either come live with me in california or go to assisted liveing. At 1st he refused both. He said I will die right here! I said pa, you got no drivers license and you cant buy a loaf of bread in 10 miles! It took me 6 months but he finnaly gave in. It was the most stressfull time of my life! Dad was 6 ft 5" stubborn and strong. The girls in the rest home were scared of him. He escaped a number of times and even walked the 8 miles in the worst winter weather to the old home place! All I can say is it will be rough, but time pass,s and you will get through it. Dad died at 90. It was about 3 bad years. I had a aunt that lived near the rest home and he would walk over and bug her every day. She had just buried her husband with alzheimers and had nursed him for about 14 years! It was roughest on her! Dad was about 20 years older then his sister and got it in his mind that she was his daughter etc. Its tough!

iceman · Post by **iceman** » Wed May 21, 2008 2:18 pm

Tycer I feel for you! My dad passed in 2000 and my Mom has stayed alone since then. She is now 87 and doing well considering she has had a hip replacement and a broken arm. My sisters and i are trying to convince her to have someone come in to help with cleaning etc but she is a tough old bird and hard to convince. We are also trying to have her stay with my sister in the winter (she offered) but that is yet to be seen. Best of luck. I am sure that you and your wife will make the right decission it just is a hard one to make. I took care of an uncle and found a good place for him to spend his last days. As always, word of mouth is the best advertisement. Ask around the area if you know anybody, you are not the only person in this situation although it may seem so. Best of luck and my thought and prayers are with you and yours.

gamekeeper · Post by **gamekeeper** » Wed May 21, 2008 4:47 pm

Tycer, I have no answers to your question but you are all in my thoughts.

Post by **Ysabel Kid** » Wed May 21, 2008 10:33 pm

Tycer -

It is not an easy time, that is for sure. My prayers go out to you and your whole family.

My grandparents waited too long, and by the time they moved into an assisted living facility, my grandfather was so far gone with Alzheimer's that he couldn't enjoy it. Pitty, because had he and my grandmother moved in 10 years earlier, he would have had a ball.

My uncle continues to kick himself to this day for not moving earlier. He was taking care of a house and a large lot that he and my aunt had lived on for 40 years. Took him all weekend just to keep up with the yard. They moved when she got Alzheimer's; she passed away last year. He remains very active.

The bottom line, as mentioned, is there is a vast array of quality and ammenities at these facilities. The better ones are not cheap, but they offer a wide range of care, from almost completely independent housing (my uncle's place is a freestanding house with a garage), to very intensive care for patients in critical health - and everything in between. The social activities are fantastic - if one is able to enjoy them, which gets back to when people decide to make the move.

Again, tough on everyone, but many of these places are not just "homes for storing elderly people until they die" (like many were a couple decades ago), but more like social clubs for people of the same generation to enjoy their retirements and have the health assistance they need to get the most of their remaining time.

kirkwood · Post by **kirkwood** » Thu May 22, 2008 12:25 am

Be sure to get power of attorney as soon as possible. If you don't have that, some judge will come in and take over and shut the family out from making decisions about their health care and where they will live.

Moving into another home at an old age is the worst possible thing to subject a person to, but it can be difficult to avoid. Since the old home was apparently sold, there is no going back now. The loss of familiar surroundings and the loss of the same routine seems to make the memory loss accelerate, plus it places the person into a higher state of anxiety from the confusion and fear of being in a strange place. Imagine a nightmare or confusing dream and you get a sense of what they are experiencing, even if they don't verbalize it.

The local Alzheimer's Association will help you. Certain drugs can help some people, but most don't improve. Worth a try though, so talk with their doctors.

Charles · Post by **Charles** » Thu May 22, 2008 9:20 am

I have been though this with my own family, my wife's family, and as a Pastor with scores of other families. This is always a difficult time. I only can give the following input.

1) Change can cause disorentation in the elderly. What they are currently experiencing may improve with time.

2) Often times, these issue yield to medication, so a good medical evaluation would be in order.

3) Your local Council on Aging can plug you into all resources in that area for help. They are very good folks to know and are there to help you with just these issues.

Be assured of my prayers, as these are very hard times for all concerned.

86er · Post by **86er** » Thu May 22, 2008 9:45 am

I am sure others offered some meaningful plans. I am sorry all I can offer are my best wishes and prayers.

Rusty · Post by **Rusty** » Thu May 22, 2008 3:47 pm

Tycer,
We'll keep you in our prayers here. You are facing a very hard time with many hard decisions to make. From personal experience I can tell you that the one of the most important things to do is to secure their assets ASAP. With their state of mind there are a multitude of people out there that will consider them fair game and remove as much of their hard earned security as possible as quickly and as ruthlessly as possible.
Talk to local health care professional that can give you advice with elder care to let you know what is available in your area it varies from place to place.

God Bless,
Rusty <><

wm · Post by wm » Fri May 23, 2008 2:02 pm

My prayers are with you & your family.

There are counselors who specialize in helping families deal with this sort of thing. You might contact your church and see what they can offer you in terms of support.

Also have your father tested for blood sugar......sounds like it could possibly be diabetes or hypo glocymia (sp?).

Cherish your parents while you still have them......I wish my Dad was still here.....he would get such a kick out of my sons.

Wm