HUMOR - Marriage? What a Joke...

[Old Ironsights]

CHUCKLES FOR MATURE COUPLES AND OTHERS .....

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.
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Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
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For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times."
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same.
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

[Andrew]

Boy, there are some real gems in there! That was too funny.

[Jeeps]

Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same.

OUCH... that made fall right outa my chair I was laughing so hard.

[Old Savage]

Going on 33 years - marriage is what you make it.

[Jeeps]

Going on 33 years - marriage is what you make it.

Hmmmmm....

I have the distinct feeling "our" marriage is what "she" makes of it.

Last I knew, I didn't have any input.

[Old Ironsights]

Going on 33 years - marriage is what you make it.

I've been married for 15 to a woman who makes both PMS & "the change" look easy...

And in 10-15 years when "the change" happens I'll let you know how it turns out.

[Old Ironsights]

A man goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?" the man replied, "Yes sir, I did." The robber then shot him in the head, killing him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."

[gcs]

A friend of mine , whenever he's told by some young guy,"I'm getting married", Tells him, "Good, why should you be happy"

[bobbyjack]

Just remember that a man is not complete until he is married!




Then he is finnished!!!!!!



Bob

[Joe Reilly]

Marriage is a great institution, if you are ready to be put in an institution.

[claybob86]

Going on 33 years - marriage is what you make it.

Good for you both!

[Ysabel Kid]

Going to be 19 years this June. Marriage is indeed what you make of it - and I have been blessed. Why, she didn't even throw me out of the house when hfcable's .25-20 Winnie '92 arrived this week!

Still, as happy as I am with my married life - I can laugh a lot at these jokes!

[Old Ironsights]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place. First guy: " You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second guy: " that's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy: " Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. " What's the deal?" Fourth guy: " I just set my alarm for 4:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, " Fishing or Sex" and she said,

"Wear a Sweater."

[71fan]

Four married guys go fishing...

I copied it and sent it to my wife. That's a good one.

[rhead]

A couple who attend our church recently celebrated their 75th anniversary. Mr. Fred and Miss Lyla were called to the front for the honors. After the preacher made the announcement he asked Miss Lyla if there was anything she would change in Fred if she could. "Well I do wish that he would tell me "I love you" more often.
The preacher looked over at Mr. Fred and said "Well, is there anything you would like to tell Miss Lyla?"
Mr. Fred didn't really like being pressured replied:
"Lyla, when we were married 75 years ago I told you that I loved you. IF I CHANGE MY MIND I WILL TELL YOU FIRST!"
Mr Fred and his walker began their trip to his accustomed place on the front pew.