HUMOR - Church

[rjohns94]

Church.... anyone?
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1) they don't like me, and (2)I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give you TWO good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the world.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Monte Carlo , Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in Paris and New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean "
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any other to have the old goat for dinner."
Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth.

He said/She said
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."
Two days later she asks her father the same question.
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."
The confused girl returns to her mother and says: "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"
The mother answers, "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

[gamekeeper]

All very funny but that last one really slayed me

[TedH]

That last one is great!

[Borregos]

[homefront]

Finally - some jokes I can actually e-mail to my pastor!
Actually, she laughs at the PG ones, too.

[C. Cash]

Thank you Mike, those were great!

[Blackhawk]

+1

[alnitak]

Love the last one! I can hear my wife now...

[don Tomás]

Those were great! How about a couple more...

The Three Huts
A guy had been shipwrecked all by himself on a small Pacific island for years and years. He was finally rescued. His rescuers noticed three huts on the beach and asked him about them. The guy says, "The first hut is my home."

They asked him about the second hut. "That's my church", he replies.

The rescuers then asked him about the third hut. "Oh", the guys says, "That's the church I used to go to."

Backwoods Funeral
As a young minister, I was asked by a
funeral director to hold a grave side service for a derelict man who
had died while traveling through the area with no family or friends.
The funeral was held way back in the country. This man would be
the first to be laid to rest at this cemetery. As I was not familiar
with the backwoods area, I became lost. Being the typical man I
didn't stop for directions. But I finally arrived an hour late,
I saw the crew and backhoe, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
The workmen were eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for
my tardiness, (who looked puzzled). I stepped to the side of the
open grave, to find the vault lid already in place. I assured the
workers I would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to
do. As the workers gathered around, still
eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the
workers began to say "Amen,. Praise the Lord and Glory, ( they must
have been Baptist). I preached, and I preached, like I'd never
preached before. I began from Genesis all the way to Revelation. I
preached for two hours and 45 minutes.
It was a long and lengthy service. I closed in prayer and it was
finished.
As I was walking to my car, I felt that I had done my duty and
would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite
of tardiness.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat. I overheard
one of the workers saying to another. " I've been putting in septic
tanks for 20 years, and I ain't never seen anything like
this before.

[C. Cash]

Those were great too Don Tomas'. I have to say also, your Giraffe has me in stitches every time he pops up and winks at me. Breaks my serious mood every time!

[Ysabel Kid]

Those were great! How about a couple more...

The Three Huts
A guy had been shipwrecked all by himself on a small Pacific island for years and years. He was finally rescued. His rescuers noticed three huts on the beach and asked him about them. The guy says, "The first hut is my home."

They asked him about the second hut. "That's my church", he replies.

The rescuers then asked him about the third hut. "Oh", the guys says, "That's the church I used to go to."

Too close to home for us Catholics. Seems like every church I have ever been to is in the process of building a bigger one!

[Rod WMG]

Here's something I read in Readers Digest a few years back.

A minister was conducting a graveside service. At the conclusion he said, "Now if the family will please pass around the bier...."

The gravediggers were nearby waiting to fill in. One turned to the other, "He said they have beer!"

"Yeah," noted the other, "but it's just for the family."