Aussies

[Old Savage]

Don't know if any of this is true.

Happy Australia Day

MAAAAAATE!

Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an
Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry
or a Turkish
kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch
American shows
on a Japanese TV.

Oh and...... Only in Australia ... can a pizza get to your
house faster
than an ambulance.

Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk
all the Way
To the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while
healthy People
can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Australia ... do people order double cheeseburgers,
largeFries
and a DIET coke.

Only in Australia ... do banks leave both doors open and
chain the Pens
to the counters

Only in Australia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of
dollars on
the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the
garage.

Only in Australia ... do we use answering machines to screen
calls and
Then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone
we didn't want
To talk to in the first place.

Only in Australia ... are there disabled parking places in
front of a
skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9v
battery works
On their tongue.

142 Aussies were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins
from new shirts.

58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives
instead of
screwdrivers.

31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas
tree while
The fairy lights were plugged in.

8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper
with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last
two years
After opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

And finally.... In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skull
whilst
throwing up into the toilet

IF YOU'RE PROUD TO BE AUSTRALIAN SEND THIS ON!


HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY!!!!

[Old Ironsights]

Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you - Amen!

Second Bruce: G'day, Bruce!

First Bruce: Oh, Hello Bruce!

Third Bruce: How are you Bruce?

First Bruce: A bit crook, Bruce.

Second Bruce: Where's Bruce?

First Bruce: He's not 'ere, Bruce.

Third Bruce: Blimey, it's hot in here, Bruce.

First Bruce: Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum!

Second Bruce: That's a strange expression, Bruce.

First Bruce: Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. "It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here, your Majesty," he said and she smiled quietly to herself.

Third Bruce: She's a good Sheila Bruce, and not at all stuck up.

Second Bruce: Here! Here's the boss-fellow now! - how are you bruce?

(Enter fourth Bruce with English person, Michael)

Fourth Bruce: 'Ow are you, Bruce?

First Bruce: G'day Bruce!

Fourth Bruce: Bruce.

Second Bruce: Hello Bruce.

Fourth Bruce: Bruce.

Third Bruce: How are you, Bruce?

Fourth Bruce: G'day Bruce.

Fourth Bruce: Gentleman, I'd like to introduce man from Pommeyland who is joinin' us this year in the philosophy department at the University of Walamaloo.

Everybruce: G'day!

Michael: Hello.

Fourth Bruce: Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce.

First Bruce: Is your name not Bruce?

Michael: No, it's Michael.

Second Bruce: That's going to cause a little confusion.

Third Bruce: Mind if we call you "Bruce" to keep it clear?

Fourth Bruce: Gentlemen, I think we better start the faculty meeting. Before we start, though, I'd like to ask the padre for a prayer.

First Bruce: Oh Lord, we beseech Thee, Amen!!

Everybruce: Amen!

Fourth Bruce: Crack tubes! (Sound of cans opening) Now I call upon Bruce to officially welcome Mr. Baldwin to the philosophy faculty.

Second Bruce: I'd like to welcome the pommey bastard to God's own Earth, and remind him that we don't like stuck-up sticky-beaks here.

Everybruce: Hear, hear! Well spoken, Bruce!

Fourth Bruce: Bruce here teaches classical philosophy, Bruce there teaches Haegelian philosophy, and Bruce here teaches logical positivism. And is also in charge of the sheep dip.

Third Bruce: What's New-Bruce going to teach?

Fourth Bruce: New-Bruce will be teaching political science, Machiavelli, Bentham, Locke, Hobbes, Sutcliffe, Bradman, Lindwall, Miller, Hassett, and Benaud.

Second Bruce: Those are all cricketers!

Fourth Bruce: Aww, spit!

Third Bruce: Hails of derisive laughter, Bruce!

Everybruce: Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you amen!

Fourth Bruce:Bruce: Crack tube! (Sound of cans opening) Any questions?

Second Bruce: New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?

Fourth Bruce: Are you a Poofter?

Michael: No!

Fourth Bruce: No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules: Rule One!

Everybruce: No Poofters!

Fourth Bruce: Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching. Rule Three?

Everybruce: No Poofters!!

Fourth Bruce: Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not drinking. Rule Five,

Everybruce: No Poofters!

Fourth Bruce: Rule Six, there is NO ... Rule Six. Rule Seven,

Everybruce: No Poofters!!

Fourth Bruce: Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce.

First Bruce: This here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in your hand.

Everybruce: Amen!

First Bruce: Right, let's get some Sheilas.

(An Aborigine bunts in with an enormous tray full of enormous steaks.)

Fourth Bruce: OK.

Second Bruce: Ah, elevenses.

Third Bruce: This should tide us over 'til lunchtime.

Second Bruce: Reckon so, Bruce. ...

[deerwhacker444]

G'day Bruce

[Ysabel Kid]

[dbateman]

ok thats pretty funny right there

[aussie]

Bruce.................pommies pretending to be Aussies....not even close.

[Jacko]

My Dads name is BRUCE

It's Woolamooloo - not Walamaloo - fair go ya mob of Drongo's

Only in America - are chips called fries . Now thats another thread , thanks fella's brought a smile to me dial

regards Jacko

[Old Ironsights]

Bruce.................pommies pretending to be Aussies....not even close.

That's what makes it funny...

[Borregos]

[Aussie Chris]

Hardy har har har

As we would say down here, ''Why don't you go and dip your left eye in cocky $hit mate''.

[deerwhacker444]

And NO Pooftahs....!

[Aussie Chris]

You're a bit late anyway Old Savage, Australia day was on the 26th

[Old Savage]

Never actually heard any Aussie humor before. But we are watching the tennis - pretty hot down there now.

[Jacko]

The A-Z of Australian slang words folks - follow the link at the end for c-z

The Basics Australia About Us Our Community Home
Aerial pingpong : Australian Rules football
Amber fluid : beer
Ankle biter : small child
Apples, she'll be : It'll be alright
Arvo : afternoon
Aussie salute : brushing away flies with the hand
B & S : Bachelors' and Spinsters' Ball - a very enjoyable party usually held in rural areas
Back of Bourke : a very long way away
Bail (somebody) up : to corner somebody physically
Bail out : depart, usually angrily
Banana bender : a person from Queensland
Barbie : barbecue
Bastard : term of endearment
Bathers : swimming costume
Battler : someone working hard and only just making a living
Beaut, beauty : great, fantastic
Big-note oneself : brag, boast
Bikkie : biscuit (also "it cost big bikkies" - it was expensive)
Billabong : an ox-bow river or watering hole
Billy : large tin can used to boil water over a campfire for tea
Bingle : motor vehicle accident
Bities : biting insects
Bitzer : mongrel dog (bits of this and bits of that)
Bizzo : business ("mind your own bizzo")
Black Stump, beyond the : a long way away, the back of nowhere
Bloke : man, guy
Bloody : very (bloody hard yakka)
Bloody oath! : that's certainly true
Blow in the bag : have a breathalyser test
Blowie : blow fly
Bludger : lazy person, layabout, somebody who always relies on other people to do things or lend him things
Blue : fight ("he was having a blue with his wife")
Blue, make a : make a mistake
Bluey : pack, equipment, traffic ticket, redhead
Bluey : blue cattle dog (named after its subtle markings) which is an excellent working dog. Everyone's favourite all-Aussie dog.
Bluey : heavy wool or felt jacket worn by mining and construction workers.
Bluey : bluebottle jellyfish
Bodgy : of inferior quality
Bog in : commence eating, to attack food with enthusiasm
Bog standard : basic, unadorned, without accessories (a bog standard car, telephone etc.)
Bondi cigar : see "brown-eyed mullet"
Bonzer : great, ripper
Boogie board : a hybrid, half-sized surf board
Boomer : a large male kangaroo
Booze bus : police vehicle used for catching drunk drivers
Boozer : a pub
Bored shitless : very bored
Bottle shop : liquor shop
Bottle-o : liquor shop (originally a man with hessian bags going around picking up beer bottles in the 50's and 60's)
Bottler : something excellent
Bottling, his blood's worth : he's an excellent, helpful bloke.
Bounce : a bully
Bowl of rice, not my : not my cup of tea; I don't like it
Brass razoo, he hasn't got a : he's very poor
Brekkie : breakfast
Brick pelosi house, built like a : big strong bloke
Brickie : bricklayer
Brizzie : Brisbane, state capital of Queensland
Brown-eyed mullet : a turd in the sea (where you're swimming!)
Brumby : a wild horse
Buck's night : stag party, male gathering the night before the wedding
Buckley's, Buckley's chance : no chance. From the department stores once known as Buckley’s and Nunn. If someone has no chance, or none, they are said to have “Buckley’s” chance, or Buckley’s and Nunn (None)
Bull bar : stout bar fixed to the front of a vehicle to protect it against hitting kangaroos
Bundy : short for Bundaberg, Queensland, and the brand of rum that's made there
Bunyip : mythical outback creature
Bush : the hinterland, the Outback, anywhere that isn't in town
Bush oyster : nasal mucus
Bush telly : campfire
Bushie : someone who lives in the Bush
Bushman's hanky : Emitting nasal mucus by placing one index finger on the outside of the nose (thus blocking one nostril) and blowing.
Bushranger : highwayman, outlaw
Butcher : small glass of beer in South Australia - From the theory that a butcher could take a quick break from his job, have a drink and be back at work
BYO : unlicensed restaurant where you have to Bring Your Own grog, also similar party or barbecue

http://www.beluba.com.au/ww3/ozslang.htm#C

regards Jacko

[the telegraphist]

I dips me lid to ya all, especially Old Savage and Old Ironsights a bloody good laugh all round, very entertaining.

The Telegraphist

[Old Savage]

I have a good friend from down under who is the product of a mixed marriage. His father is a Kiwi and 'is mum is an Aussie.