OT: Rules According to Men

[JohndeFresno]

You may have seen this before. It tickled me, so maybe it will cause you to grin.
THE RULES ACCORDING TO MEN

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

7. Crying is blackmail.

8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

9. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

14. Check your oil! Please.

15. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

16. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

17. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

18. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

19. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

20. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

21. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

22. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

23. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

24. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

25. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

26. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

27. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

28. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

29. You have enough clothes.

30. You have too many shoes.

31. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

32. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

33. Thank you for reading this; yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that -- it's like camping.

[awp101]

8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

19. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

20. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

24. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

25. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

26. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Those are the ones my wife needs help with and I'd like to add these:

34. Please answer the question I asked. Answering "We went to such and such for lunch and when we got back I had to file this for the boss and then we..." when the question was "What do you want for dinner?" is not acceptable.

35. If you change topics in the middle of a conversation with no warning or begin a conversation in the middle of your thought process without warning, you can not get mad at us for not knowing what the Hell you're carrying on about.

[edwardyoung]

Here's something similar I copied in the past. I was a little more bitter, then. I apologize to any who find some of them excessively coarse.



If you think all men are pigs, expect to live alone when you get older.

If you have 100 reasons to reject a man, expect to live alone when you get older.

Prince Charming is gay.

Rich, attractive, nice - you can only have two in a man.

If you ask a man on a first date how much he earns or what kind of car he drives, he gets to look at your bare breasts while you are still in the restaurant.

If you answer your cell phone during a first date, he has the right to immediately get up and leave with no explanation.

Choosey and "stuck up" are closely related.

At 40, single "Rules Girls" become single, lonely women.

If you expect a man to pay for everything, you'll need a strong jaw and a good tongue.

Perfect men don't exist. Good men are everywhere.

It's OK not to want kids. It's not OK to sacrifice your personal life and goals for your career.

The kharmic retribution for putting good men into the "Friend Zone" while getting hurt by bad boys is to become bitter, angry, and the owner of at least three cats.

You are not a princess no matter what your T-Shirt states. If you really think you are a princess, then you'd better have the body of a stripper, the face of an angel, and the personality of a saint. Even so, only Prince Charming can marry a princess and Prince Charming is gay.

Your single girlfriends don't want you to have a happy relationship with a man. Consider this when listening to their advice.

A man won't say "I love you" until he is 100% confident that you won't use this against him. This might take years, be patient because men can be sensitive, too.

Taking the time to look your best is not optional. After all, if you can catch his eye then you can catch his heart. Being agreeable, pleasant, and happy will seal the deal.

Smiles and laughter are contagious and can melt any man's heart.

The unintended consequence of independence is loneliness.

There is a fine line between expecting that a man pay for everything and being a common prostitute.

Excessive complaining is neither attractive nor polite.

You are entitled to nothing. However, you can expect rewards for working hard for something.

Before you say "it's all his fault" after a bad date, look closely in the mirror.

It's not always men making you unhappy. Don't let bitter women convince you of that.

Being strong doesn't mean being bitchy. Southern women have known this for generations.

You can't have it all. Please have the good sense to realize this.

Compromise is not surrender, it's what is necessary to have a good relationship.

Don't expect men to fall all over you just because you are a woman. Feminism taught men to be independent, too.

There's nothing wrong with looking feminine.

If he doesn't call you back, it means he's just not really into you. Deal with it.

If you meet a man, don't find reasons to reject him or things to change in him. Find reasons to accept him and respect him.

"As if" and "whatever" are immature insults used by 12 year olds, not intelligent young women.

The common word in "drink whore" and "dinner whore" is still whore.

Sorry girl, it's NOT all about you so you can change your T-Shirt now.

Many men would rather chase women, not girls.

Given the current state of divorce laws, don't expect any man to marry you. It's not you, it's just how things are right now.

Hanging around gay men won't give you any useful insights about straight men. Frankly, hanging around gay men is just creepy.

"No fat chicks" is the man's version of "If you're rich, I'm single".

Winning a man is easy, keeping a man requires hard work.

Advertising "Bitch" on your T-Shirt or sweatpants won't get you any dates. Single men don't care for that attitude.

Deferring self-gratification is a sign of maturity. You can wait until dinner even if you're hungry now.

The real world is pushy, rude, and often unpleasant. That doesn't mean you have to be the same way.

If you dress like a tart, expect to be treated like a tart.

[Ysabel Kid]

[C. Cash]

My goodness someone understands!

[Bogie35]

34. Please answer the question I asked. Answering "We went to such and such for lunch and when we got back I had to file this for the boss and then we..." when the question was "What do you want for dinner?" is not acceptable.

35. If you change topics in the middle of a conversation with no warning or begin a conversation in the middle of your thought process without warning, you can not get mad at us for not knowing what the Hell you're carrying on about.

AMEN!

And...

36. Don't attempt to start a conversation as we are walking out of the room.

bogie

[TedH]

I'm tempted to send those to my wife's email, but I'm not sure I want to go camping tonight!

[claybob86]

Lots of truth and wisdom here.

[Doc Hudson]

Other than the one ab out "Sunday = sports," all I can say is AMEN BROTHERS!!!!!

[Blaine]

#127: If you ask me "what's wrong" be prepared to hear the answer

[El Chivo]

You are not a princess no matter what your T-Shirt states.

my favorite

[coyote nose]

edward young....the greatest post i've read. I need to know, as everybody (well.....every single guy anyway) at work loves it and wants to know if you made these up. So where did you get them???

[edwardyoung]

edward young....the greatest post i've read. I need to know, as everybody (well.....every single guy anyway) at work loves it and wants to know if you made these up. So where did you get them???

I wish I could, but I can't take credit for them. I saved them years ago when I saw them posted online. I'm sorry, but I can't remember where. They are jewels, though.